Thursday, March 23, 2006
Expensive gasoline, cheap laugh.
"Free Popcorn with BBQ or Soup" An interesting offer. I passed.
I recently dyed my hair, and it looks like Grade A Shit. Not that they put grades on shit, but if they did, my hair would be Grade A. I was talking on the phone with a friend I met (actually, met again) at a friend's wedding while I was trying to highlight my hair. I didn't want to be rude and tell him I couldn't talk, so instead I half-talked, half-stared in horror as my hair turned a very scary blonde-ish color. At first I thought it might be okay after I washed out the dye, but no, it was not okay, and I look soooo trashy. I also lightened my eyebrows, which turned out just as badly. I look like a freak, and I must spend upwards of 30 minutes making up my hair and face so people won't get scared and throw rotten food at me when I leave the house.
Moral of the story: ask him to call you back if you're dyeing your hair.
Moral of the story: ask him to call you back if you're dyeing your hair.
I just went on a timeshare "vacation." This involved me throwing some essentials such as Goldfish (the edible crackers, not the short-lived pets) bottled water, underwear, and 5 books (that I never opened) into my car and driving to Massanutten Resort in McGaheysville, Virginia. When I checked in the woman at the front desk told me that my sales tour would begin at 8AM the next morning, which was good, because it meant I would have the rest of the day to do whatever I wanted. She also said they would give me a continental breakfast, which she seemed to think was a major perk.
I spent my first evening in my crap hotel room watching cable for the first time in several months because the weather was bad, and I didn't want to do most of the offered activities (making my own pottery or sitting in a sauna). It was amazing and bad, and I loved it. It was free.
The next morning I spent over 3 hours with a jackass salesman I will refer to as Karl M. He told me about himself as he drove me around and showed me the many features of the resort, which included an indoor water park and a go-cart track. Let's just say I wouldn't be upset if the place fell into a big sink hole.
Karl the salesman told me he
1.) was descended from English royalty and a direct heir to the Scottish throne
2.) earned more money than the president of James Madison University
3.) invented a drink with friends called "dirty water," which was made of various liquors, resembled dirty water, and tasted like nothing "so you can really drink a lot of it"
He also gave me tips on writing, told me that I should "take the money the government is going to spend on bombs and do something fun with it instead," and somehow managed to bring up Mein Kampf. I'm not sure how it happened, but he basically equated not taking regular vacations to being a Nazi sympathizer.
I'm envisioning a novel here, or at least a story, about insane timeshare salesman starting a worldwide revolution. They're insane and ambitious, and just stupid enough to get people to follow them. Particularly the types of people who like to see go cart tracks in the middle of the formerly lovely Shenandoah valley.
Next up: Karl and his cronies build a Civil War themed amusement park on a historic battleground. (Didn't the Disney people try that one a few years ago?)
I spent my first evening in my crap hotel room watching cable for the first time in several months because the weather was bad, and I didn't want to do most of the offered activities (making my own pottery or sitting in a sauna). It was amazing and bad, and I loved it. It was free.
The next morning I spent over 3 hours with a jackass salesman I will refer to as Karl M. He told me about himself as he drove me around and showed me the many features of the resort, which included an indoor water park and a go-cart track. Let's just say I wouldn't be upset if the place fell into a big sink hole.
Karl the salesman told me he
1.) was descended from English royalty and a direct heir to the Scottish throne
2.) earned more money than the president of James Madison University
3.) invented a drink with friends called "dirty water," which was made of various liquors, resembled dirty water, and tasted like nothing "so you can really drink a lot of it"
He also gave me tips on writing, told me that I should "take the money the government is going to spend on bombs and do something fun with it instead," and somehow managed to bring up Mein Kampf. I'm not sure how it happened, but he basically equated not taking regular vacations to being a Nazi sympathizer.
I'm envisioning a novel here, or at least a story, about insane timeshare salesman starting a worldwide revolution. They're insane and ambitious, and just stupid enough to get people to follow them. Particularly the types of people who like to see go cart tracks in the middle of the formerly lovely Shenandoah valley.
Next up: Karl and his cronies build a Civil War themed amusement park on a historic battleground. (Didn't the Disney people try that one a few years ago?)
Monday, March 06, 2006
Go to http://www.gincork.com/. My insane friend (he knows who he is) started it in response to the overwhelming demand for a safe outlet for the ravings of the drunk population. I know the secret identities of the 1st and 4th callers. See also: http://www.whatisrecoil.com/ for more silliness.
I just watched the ENTIRE HOUR of "Deal or No Deal" and now I feel really stupid and happy, like I could really talk to the Walmart cart ladies, or maybe even the mean old cart man! I'm a woman of the people, by the people, and for the....what the hell? I think I just released some endorphins...uhhhhhhgggggggggggghhhhhhh.
Okay.
TV blows. But sometimes you just have to get down and roll in the shit. And the Walmart people are human beings, too, and they deserve everything that I do, but some of them need to read a book. Other than the Christian healing cookbooks in Aisle Three. Thank you.
I hate the mean old cart man. I think he might be a Nazi in hiding.
Okay.
TV blows. But sometimes you just have to get down and roll in the shit. And the Walmart people are human beings, too, and they deserve everything that I do, but some of them need to read a book. Other than the Christian healing cookbooks in Aisle Three. Thank you.
I hate the mean old cart man. I think he might be a Nazi in hiding.
