867-5309 is the other Jenny's number.

2006-08-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've added the finishing touch to my super classy, always available dog bed couch. That's right. I bought another dog bed. Check it out. 10 feet of floor luuuuuuuv. And a lot of excellent nooks and crannies to lose your keys in. FOREVER. Or your cell phone.

2006-08-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is NW Floridian culture at its height--cheap and trashy with window unit air-conditioners and the best fried fish sandwiches you can get. Love it.

2006-08-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hot damn. Does that look good, or what? If it weren't for the millions of tourists, greedy real-estate developers, and some of the worst schools in the country, I'd move to NW Florida in a second!

2006-08-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is the view of our neighborhood from the air. The air my dad was flying a plane in. Sweet!

2006-08-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t like blogs. Okay, that’s a complete lie. I like them. I’m just too lazy to keep mine going. And frankly, aside from the three or four of you who are mildly interested in reading this, there is no audience for the mundane misadventures that make up my “life.” So maybe I’m a little depressed because I had to get my coffee at McDonalds this morning. The coffee at the place I’m working is so foul I wouldn’t pour it on a dying houseplant. It’s from one of those machines that brews an entire pot in 35 seconds, although technically “brewing” implies that the coffee and the water are united in coffee making intercourse for several minutes before dripping into the pot. Otherwise you have hot brown water that tastes vaguely of something like coffee. Anyway. Mostly I’ve been enjoying my extended childhood by hanging out with my family this summer. I like my family. They make me laugh, and they don’t complain when my hair looks like shit, which is always. Well, sometimes they might comment on the general shitty state of my hair, but the comments are always delivered with love. I assume.

But it’s been an okay summer. My brain has been on vacation. I say this because: A.) I haven’t accomplished the many insane goals that I set for myself in April, B.) I spent upwards of two hours looking at before and after pictures on the Extreme Makeover website, and C.) I was going to write a book, and so far I’ve written mostly shopping lists and two sentence e-mails.

The good news is that I’m being extra productive right now. Multi-tasking if you will. (i.e. Doing the blogging at work.)

It hasn’t been so bad shuffling from job to job for the temp agency. There’s been a lot of web “surfing,” as the kids say. A lot of time spent reading the msn.com articles no one ever actually clicks on. I’ve answered phones in various fake cheery voices (“Good morning, Commerce State Bank, this is Jenny, how may I direct your call?”) made copies, entered line after line after line of numbers into various computer programs, spilled things on myself, lost two thermal coffee mugs, and learned in painfully exact detail how Haagen Dazs orders and receives its ice cream packaging from a plant in Desoto, Kansas. Fascinating, believe me. Fascinating.

Now I’m hanging out in my temporary cubicle typing away on my temporary computer keyboard drinking lukewarm coffee and trying to figure out if I really want to listen to “Our Endangered Values” by Jimmy Carter on CD. Am torn between boredom, a sense of impending boredom, and feelings of obligation to our nation’s nicest president, who, although he lusted in his heart, never lusted in the Oval Office in any particularly offensive manner, plotted to invade a country to avenge his loser father, or tried to take down the DNC. I will hit the play button on Windows Media Player ver. 10. I will become inspired to move to Georgia and eat boiled peanuts while organizing the Democratic Revolution of ’06-’08, which, although already in the “capable” hands of the Democratic National Party, will require my political expertise and charming, hopeful spirit. Also, they need more chicks.

Posting pictures soon. Stay tuned.

2006-04-18T20:34:00.001-07:00

Here are some very respectful, very sensitive pictures of what I like to call "special people with highly pigmented necks" or rednecks, if you want to be crude about it.

Considering I'm descended from rednecks (and related to some fabulous ones) I feel comfortable mercilessly making fun of them. And anyway, they're too busy eating barbequed armadillos and buying tube tops to read my blog.

2006-04-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is the best one by far. The Redneck Palm Pilot.

2006-04-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

A redneck housecat. This is utterly excellent.

2006-04-18T20:32:00.001-07:00

Redneck boat. Classy.

2006-04-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

A redneck grill.

2006-04-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

A redneck cat carrier. (Note the Busch; a crucial redneck detail)

2006-03-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Expensive gasoline, cheap laugh.

2006-03-23T13:39:00.000-08:00

"Free Popcorn with BBQ or Soup" An interesting offer. I passed.

2006-03-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

I recently dyed my hair, and it looks like Grade A Shit. Not that they put grades on shit, but if they did, my hair would be Grade A. I was talking on the phone with a friend I met (actually, met again) at a friend's wedding while I was trying to highlight my hair. I didn't want to be rude and tell him I couldn't talk, so instead I half-talked, half-stared in horror as my hair turned a very scary blonde-ish color. At first I thought it might be okay after I washed out the dye, but no, it was not okay, and I look soooo trashy. I also lightened my eyebrows, which turned out just as badly. I look like a freak, and I must spend upwards of 30 minutes making up my hair and face so people won't get scared and throw rotten food at me when I leave the house.

Moral of the story: ask him to call you back if you're dyeing your hair.

2006-03-23T13:18:00.000-08:00

I just went on a timeshare "vacation." This involved me throwing some essentials such as Goldfish (the edible crackers, not the short-lived pets) bottled water, underwear, and 5 books (that I never opened) into my car and driving to Massanutten Resort in McGaheysville, Virginia. When I checked in the woman at the front desk told me that my sales tour would begin at 8AM the next morning, which was good, because it meant I would have the rest of the day to do whatever I wanted. She also said they would give me a continental breakfast, which she seemed to think was a major perk.

I spent my first evening in my crap hotel room watching cable for the first time in several months because the weather was bad, and I didn't want to do most of the offered activities (making my own pottery or sitting in a sauna). It was amazing and bad, and I loved it. It was free.

The next morning I spent over 3 hours with a jackass salesman I will refer to as Karl M. He told me about himself as he drove me around and showed me the many features of the resort, which included an indoor water park and a go-cart track. Let's just say I wouldn't be upset if the place fell into a big sink hole.

Karl the salesman told me he

1.) was descended from English royalty and a direct heir to the Scottish throne

2.) earned more money than the president of James Madison University

3.) invented a drink with friends called "dirty water," which was made of various liquors, resembled dirty water, and tasted like nothing "so you can really drink a lot of it"

He also gave me tips on writing, told me that I should "take the money the government is going to spend on bombs and do something fun with it instead," and somehow managed to bring up Mein Kampf. I'm not sure how it happened, but he basically equated not taking regular vacations to being a Nazi sympathizer.

I'm envisioning a novel here, or at least a story, about insane timeshare salesman starting a worldwide revolution. They're insane and ambitious, and just stupid enough to get people to follow them. Particularly the types of people who like to see go cart tracks in the middle of the formerly lovely Shenandoah valley.

Next up: Karl and his cronies build a Civil War themed amusement park on a historic battleground. (Didn't the Disney people try that one a few years ago?)

2006-03-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

Go to http://www.gincork.com/. My insane friend (he knows who he is) started it in response to the overwhelming demand for a safe outlet for the ravings of the drunk population. I know the secret identities of the 1st and 4th callers. See also: http://www.whatisrecoil.com/ for more silliness.

2006-03-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

I just watched the ENTIRE HOUR of "Deal or No Deal" and now I feel really stupid and happy, like I could really talk to the Walmart cart ladies, or maybe even the mean old cart man! I'm a woman of the people, by the people, and for the....what the hell? I think I just released some endorphins...uhhhhhhgggggggggggghhhhhhh.

Okay.

TV blows. But sometimes you just have to get down and roll in the shit. And the Walmart people are human beings, too, and they deserve everything that I do, but some of them need to read a book. Other than the Christian healing cookbooks in Aisle Three. Thank you.

I hate the mean old cart man. I think he might be a Nazi in hiding.

2006-02-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm completely addicted to podcasts.

The List:

1.) Ricky Gervais: It's pointless and perfect. http://www.rickygervais.com/

2.) Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me: It's like NPR for morons. With jokes. http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/

3.) The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer: This is what broadcast news is supposed to be. Almost none of the bullshit you see on the networks or CNN, etc., with lots of interesting commentary, debate, etc., If you can't stand to watch the whole hour, do the podcasts. Be informed. Brooks and Shields hold the most civilized and rational conservative vs. liberal debates on TV.
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/index.html

4.) NOW: This is so excellent it's nearly perfect.
http://www.pbs.org/now/

5.) Scientific American: I got a C in high school chemistry, and I still love this podcast. Just don't make me take a test. http://www.sciam.com/podcast/

The bottom line: Everyone knows FM radio is complete crap, with the exception of NPR/PRI and a few renegade stations not owned by Clear Channel. Anyone not checking out the podcasts is missing out. And you don't have to use an iPod to enjoy them.

2006-02-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

Just read my friend Donna's http://madwoman71.blogspot.com/ recent post about Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir. I think his real problem was that he was too willing to reveal his very young, naive, homosexual self to the slimy NBC morons who put together the absurdly melodramatic mini-portrait of him strutting around in gigantic fake Gucci sunglasses and lipgloss. Good natured people just shrugged and thought, "That's cool," and watched him skate, hoping he had a good program and enjoyed himself. Everyone else (homophobes and closet homophobes) rolled their eyes and waited for him to screw up so they could pounce on him for his diva attitude, and call him an uppity fag. The combination of a young, ambitious gay skater with little media experience and a bunch of producers who saw the opportunity to make a one-dimensional character out of yet another athlete devolved into what the pseudo-media does best: Mean-spirited shit slinging and character assasination.

Also: Want to sleep with Bode Miller in major way.

2006-02-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

So I had a post-reading party at my place last night. It was excellent. Loads of people, cat food (a gift from Mike), beer, wine, Wal-Mart Ginger Ale, quesadillas, various low quality snack cakes, and one hell of a story about a crack whore. Quite a night. Cheers.
P.S. Check out Colette Inez. She's a wonderful poet and writer; she teaches at Columbia.

http://www.poetrysociety.org/inez.html

2006-02-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

It's all full of sugar, ash, and Chinese newspaper.

2006-02-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

Nobody's gonna fuck with these two.

2006-02-10T15:13:00.001-08:00

The quesadillas would have been a better choice.

2006-02-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

Mei Li and Naa. I wonder which one is sober?

2006-02-10T15:12:00.002-08:00

Matthew's ready for pussy. (Sorry. Couldn't be helped.)

2006-02-10T15:12:00.001-08:00

I'm thinking, "I wish I had a cat to feed this shit to."

2006-02-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

Our Jersey girl approves of Kozy Kitten, too.

2006-02-10T15:11:00.001-08:00

Naa must not have noticed the Oatmeal Creme Pies.

2006-02-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

"It's full of nutrients!"-Lizzie

2006-02-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Mike bought me the Kozy Kitten. He's always thinking of his friends.

2006-02-10T15:09:00.001-08:00

They're Eleanor's favorite couple. I like them, too.

2006-02-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

Only a poet like Leia could take this job so seriously.

2006-02-10T15:08:00.001-08:00

Alexis questions the Kozy Kitten photo concept. Quite right, too.

2006-02-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Michelle keeps Kozy Kitten in her cleavage. A natural spot for it, really.

2006-02-10T15:06:00.002-08:00

Kurt should have tried the quesadillas.

2006-02-10T15:06:00.001-08:00

Mei Li and Michelle: the twins.

2006-02-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

No doubt discussing Colette Inez's poetry.

2006-02-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

Lizzie contemplates life as a Rite Aid clerk.

2006-02-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

The MFA'ers share some intense thoughts on the floor couch.

2006-02-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Kozy Kitten cat food brings Patrick and Larissa closer.

2006-02-10T15:02:00.000-08:00

Rachel and Alexis; soultwins

2006-02-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's Arden!

2006-02-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

I pulled a muscle during my second nude modeling venture. No shit. I did a pose where I was looking down at the floor. The first five minutes were OK, but after 15 I wanted to scream. Right after that I did a pose where I twisted my torso while sitting and holding a wooden pole. Not hot. And now I've been popping so many Advil I can't really feel anything happening in my muscles, which is a little disturbing.

During the latest modeling experience I got to wear a bra and also bike shorts, which are INCREDIBLY unflattering and maybe worse than being nekkid, but still. My [insert appropriate slang term here] was covered. And let's face it, keeping one's "equipment" safely wrapped in clothing is a major part of everyday life. Once it's out there all bets are off. You just don't know what's gonna happen.

One of my friends was in the class. It was like:

Larissa: Hi, how are you?
Me (naked) :I'm good, I'm good. Just standing here naked.
Larissa: Yeah.
Me: Um.
Larissa: Are you cold?

[minutes later]

Larissa: Still doing OK?
Me: Yep. Still naked.
Larissa: I keep trying to get Patrick to model. But clothed, not nude.
Me: Right, 'cause that would be awkward.
Larissa: Yeah.

New concern in life: Size, color and general shape of my own breasts, which now seem extremely odd and alien.

2006-02-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

I done the nude modeling. I didn't like it much, but mostly because standing or sitting in one position for longer than about 25 seconds is a completely unnatural feat for the human body. And twenty or thirty minutes---forget about it. It's like torture. Oh yeah, and you're nekkid.

2006-02-05T16:29:00.000-08:00

Here are some new pictures. (So much easier to load up a bunch of pictures than to write stuff.) One is from a party at my Hollins friend Mei Li's Chinese New Year party. The rest are from from New Year's Eve in Omaha, and Carrie and Laura's visit to Kansas City.

Just had tea for dinner. I actually made little sandwiches (with the crusts cut off) with cream cheese and baby greens on white bread, and I had an english muffin and two little ginger cookies. Tea = good. The best tea I've had was in Vancouver. There were those little fruit tartlets and loads of doilies and Devon cream, which is deadly but completely fabulous.

Download the Ricky Gervais podcast off iTunes if you haven't already. Half the fun is listening to Ricky laugh. I lurrv Karl's Manchester accent. It's the English version of the Bronx blue collar accent where you add a syllable and an "r" to the end of every word that ends in a vowel. Example: Angela is pronounced "Angeler" Love it.

Had dinner with friends from Hollins last night (including the lovely Donna featured in the beer bottle picture below). Eleanor brought her buddy Gene from New York along. I love the bizarre regional mixing that goes on with my Hollins friends. We represented: Houston, TX, Fairfax, VA, Olathe, KS/Omaha,NE, Albuquerque, NM/Northwestern Indiana, Manhattan, and Lakewood, NJ. We're like a weird focus group that causes a ruckus wherever we go. Our waiter told us he goes to church at a movie theatre. I wonder if they get to eat donuts and coffee during the service like at the theatre/church I saw commercials for in Omaha. Seriously, can we please stop eating for an hour? I like eating, too much in fact, but donuts in church?

Also: Went into Walmart today. Was much like "Apocalypse Now," but slightly less pleasant. Ended up ditching my stuff and leaving empty handed. Fuck Walmart.

Should start writing...now...but "Bleak House" is on in an hour! It's so good. Gillian Anderson from "X-Files" is in it, and she's fabulous. She's so beautiful. I want her bone structure. God bless PBS.

2006-02-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hollins MFA friends Patrick and Donna pioneer an innovative new way to open beer bottles. The crotch method!

2006-02-04T13:55:00.002-08:00

Rules to live by.

2006-02-04T13:55:00.001-08:00

Laura prepares for a New Year's binge.

2006-02-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

As usual, Carrie looks beautiful without any effort whatsoever.

2006-02-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

Latte Land. Now with 4 locations serving the Greater Kansas City Area.

2006-02-04T13:52:00.001-08:00

Shiny Happy Married People with Cheap Reddish Champagne.

2006-02-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

We looked so nice for about 10 minutes.

2006-02-04T13:51:00.002-08:00

It's Paul!

2006-02-04T13:51:00.001-08:00

Carrie was her usual demure self.

2006-02-04T13:51:00.000-08:00

Celebrating their second New Year's Eve together. Awwww.

2006-02-04T13:49:00.001-08:00

Laura's shrimp were brutally tortured before they were served to her. Mmmm. Abused Shrimp.

2006-02-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

Lynn, Carrie, and Laura prepare to enjoy our extra swanky New Year's Eve dinner in Omaha.

2005-12-30T15:53:00.000-08:00

I'm coming to O-town for New Year's Eve. Yes, O-town, the center of the known universe. And it had better be magical, dammit!

Also: The Chronicles of Narnia = The Passion of the Christ with animals. Which is a lot less or a lot more disturbing, depending on how you feel about zebras.

2005-12-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

I love Oscar Wilde:

"By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, [journalism] keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."

"Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike."

And so did Dorothy Parker:

“If, with the literate,
I am Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.”

And now we have "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." What an age we live in.

2005-10-31T20:34:00.000-08:00

This isn't Virginia, but damn, look at those icicles! (It was that big ass storm back in '04.)

2005-10-31T20:29:00.000-08:00

My office nook. This is where "the magic" happens.

2005-10-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

My 'hood.

2005-10-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

Ain't the woods purty?

2005-10-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

Chez Moi

2005-10-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

This is Bradley. It's the building on the Hollins campus where most of the English faculty offices are located. It's falling apart and crowded as hell, but it looks pretty cute, doesn't it?

2005-10-31T20:19:00.000-08:00

This is the re-assembled house where Lee and Grant decided to stop kicking the shit out of eachother. (Appomatox Courthouse, VA, in case you forgot)

2005-10-31T20:18:00.000-08:00

This is the view from Tinker Mountain. Meggie and I bravely agreed to participate in "Tinker Day," and hike up the mountain, which doesn't look that impressive (especially if you've been to Colorado a bunch of times) but the trail was really badly maintained, and it was basically like rock climbing for the last 45 minutes. But it was totally worth it.

2005-10-31T20:12:00.000-08:00

A pretty picture from Hollins.

2005-09-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

Nice hat, Grandpa.

2005-09-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa, the Rev. William C. R. Sheridan, (Retired Bishop of Northern Indiana) died this morning. He had been failing for a few weeks, and he finally died at home in Culver, Indiana this morning. I know a few of you met him, but I thought it might be nice to see a picture of him from years ago. The other picture is either me, my sister, or one of my cousins being baptised.

2005-09-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

I learned four things about death in the last 24 hours:

1.) People don't know what to say, so they mostly say "sorry for your loss," as if Grandpa has been misplaced or has wandered off somewhere.

2.) Death gets everyone in the end. He also wears a black hooded cloak, speaks Swedish, and plays chess. You can delay Death, however, if you are a weird traveling performer and you hide your caravan in the forest.

3.) After you die you have to do the dance of death, which is not at all like the moonwalk or any other cool looking dances.

4.) It's not a good idea to watch "The Seventh Seal" when someone you know is about to die.

From now on I'm only watching Mel Brooks movies.

2005-09-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

This is Death.

2005-08-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

This is my new "seating." It's the exact pattern, but my cushions are bigger, less square, and squishier. Take that, Lassie!

2005-08-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

I had this conversation with a cashier at the Wal-Mart.

Me: Oh, I forgot, I have these fake flower things, too.

Cashier: That's OK.

(Scans items. Register reads: 'Fern Bush $1.50, Bush $1.50')

Cashier: Huh. 'Fern bush,' and then just 'bush.' Huh.

Me: Yeah. (unconvincing polite chuckle)

Cashier: I don't know what that's all about.

Me: Hmmm. I don't know. (smiling politely)

Cashier: Just don't know what these things will ring up.

Me: You know computers. Heh.

Cashier: Busy today. Busy, busy, busy.

Me: Yep.

Cashier: Makes the time go faster, though.

Me: Oh, well that's good.

Cashier: OK, There you go. You have a nice day hon. Enjoy your bush!

2005-08-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Gaaaaaaaaaah! I'm here!

My dad and I drove through the following American states in one 14 hour day:

1. Kansas
2. Missouri (Fix your roads you cheap bastards! )
3. Illinois
4. Indiana
5. Kentucky
6. West Virginia

It rained about 80% of the time, which fogged the windows and let me relax comfortably, wrapped in a warm blanket of denial. For all I could tell I was still driving through my neighborhood!

The next day we arrived, I moved my stuff in, and I made my maiden voyage to the Wal-Mart that it strategically located 25 seconds from my apartment. I spent a lot of money on nothing exciting (except Barq's Root Beer, which is always exciting) and got to scope out some of the local Wal-Mart shopping types. In the interest of being a good Christian/Democrat/American/Human I will not make any untoward comments about my new neighbors, but suffice it to say that I could write a War and Peace sized book about them, and it would not increase tourism in the area. That said, I was not looking so hot or sophisticated during my shopping spree as it was hotter than a crotch and just as humid.

HOWEVER, the views around here are tremendous. Actually, the view from the Wal-Mart parking lot is the best I've seen yet. It makes exiting the automatic sliding doors an even more inspirational experience.

I have an internet connection (obviously), but I am having a lot of trouble getting used to it, as my modem operates at lightning speeds of up to 60 Kbps. It only takes 8 hours to download a song! I'm spending too much money on rent, so I must economize in other areas.

I also don't have cable...I have the rabbit ears up on my TVs, and I can get Fox and NBC pretty clearly. Also, three religious channels.

More later from the state that is only 2.34 years away from its 400th birthday! (And it looks so young!)

2005-08-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

My last day! Gaaaaaaah! I should be doing something better than this!

2005-08-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Packing all of your earthly belongings into a car and then taking 50% of them back out again because they won't fit really sucks.

I can't see anything out the back window, and the passenger seat is stuck in a position best suited for an individual of, oh, 6'3" or so. (Hmmm, who could that be?) Oh well, Dad and I will just have to enjoy the bonus leg room and hope that no one is ever behind us on the 1250 mile trip. No problem.

I'm kind of looking forward to a major road trip. I bought the essentials, of course: Peanut M&Ms, Barq's Root Beer (has bite), Tropical Dots (exciting new product, more on this later), Nerds, Wheat Thins, Fig Newtons, and something for me to throw up in. Kidding. The trick is to buy a bunch of junk food and then only eat about 15% of it (7.5% per person) and let the rest of it roll around and spill all over the car so that there are mystery stains on your jeans and crumbs in your hair when you get out in Kentucky or Mars or wherever to fill up.

One more day to go. Gulp.

2005-08-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

My blog should just be a list of the things I spill on myself. Boring, yes, but extensive.

Today:

-Coca~Cola
-Chinese noodles
-Bubble Tea
-milk ( I cried over it)
-water

Also: I just finished the greatest mix tape/CD combination I have ever finished.

It has cover art (it's a collage!) and it comes with an authentic, hand-signed letter from me, Jenny! Now if only it hadn't taken me so very many hours to make it....

How is it that it's possible for me to spend enormous amounts of time making mix tapes and not finish a stupid Michael Crichton novel? So it was a piece of crap, so what? I picked up the damn thing, I can read English, I have two (TWO!) college degrees from the top university east of 72nd street and west of 58th street, and I should damn well finish what I started, right?

Next up: I have to start writing and talking about writing with other people. I have a feeling graduate student creative writing types will be 50% fun but weird, and 50% just weird. I am 50% weird and 65% water with added ingredients for freshness.

I met a 96 year old lady at Target a few weeks ago. She told me to live a long life I shouldn't smoke, drink, or go to bed with strange men. That means no fling with Russell Crowe. Dammit.

What if the man is strange, but I know him? Hmmm. Loophole?

Question: Who is going to need that many tampons? (See previous post)

2005-08-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of thing I've been typing all day. I earn my 15 $ an hour thankyouverymuch.

"The disk to disk stress is calculated as a corner stress, which is a simplified vector sum of the stress resulting from the voltage between disk and from the disk to the adjacent winding. This is a good procedure, but I still prefer to also have the calculated voltages between disk so that the withstand of the spaces can also be checked by an alternate method."

Don't we all prefer to have the calculated voltages between disk so that the withstand spaces can be checked by an alternate method?

(It is supposed to be "disk," and not "disks." I checked. So there.)

P.S. I just saw the world's biggest box of tampons. It's the size of a refrigerator box. I kid you not. That's a lot of tampons.

2005-08-12T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is weird. I had a dream at approx. 9 AM in which I was dumped at the altar by Adam (A-Kep) and then made to stand by and watch the ceremony as a bridesmaid. Apparently Adam had arranged some kind of bizzare ceremony in which he would tell everyone who he would marry and then the wedding would commence posthaste. Early in the day he had given me a greeting card containing the pertitent dumping information, and I was told that, "Adam really wanted you to read that card before the wedding."

I was heartbroken, because AK and I had spent several hours playing with two goldfish and a baby shark we had put in a flooded basement.

How could you Adam?! We played with fish and sharks together!

He dumped me for someone named Nicole who was, in my opinion from the dream, a total bitch. (I don't actually know someone named Nicole, do I?)

Also weird: Some scientists caught light in a crystal for 1 second and then let it go again. My thought: keep the light forever as a natural flashlight alternative.

P.S. Is it good to take a shower that's so hot your entire body is red like those cheap hot dogs they sell at the circus? Yeah, it is good. I thought so.

2005-08-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

So blah blah blah, I went to England and Scotland. It's over. It was over a long, long time ago, and now it's time for me to move on.

Re: Saint Louis, that great old city by the bay.

Why don't I have a digital camera? I have nothing to add to the Weissler-Bohnenkamp Wedding Extravaganza except written anecdotes, which, let's face it, are just not funny without pictures. (People who wrote the Bible, take note).

Anyway, I had a great time. Props to the Tacos (and Tequila Shooter and Huevos Rancheros, of course) for fun, AS ALWAYS.

A dignified nod and salute to the Party Posse for the Great St. Louis Motorcar Adventure (I see mix tapes in your future if I can get your addresses to send them to you, of course).

And a big squishy hug to the O-town kids who have proved that a bunch of geeks and weirdos can still have a great time with each other long after they have packed up their lockers and driven their beater cars out of the Millard West (or North!) parking lot for the last time.

Re: My life today.

*Reading State of Fear by Michael Crichton. Is a total piece of crap. Big suprise. Needs dinosaurs.
*Drinking green tea that looks like pee. Weight loss on the horizon? Pee?
*Watching King of the Hill. The best!
*Writing nothing. Writing has to build up like calcium and lime deposits in your shower drain until it gets all backed up and you have to get some Draino (graduate school) and blast it all out, along with those plastic razor blade guards, ponytail holders, hair (gag), and maybe a bobby pin or two.
*Eating overpriced "natural" grain cereal while I can still afford name brand products (Hello Dr. Thunder and Toasted Oat Circles). Should start eating fruits and vegetables before my inevitable descent into processed food hell. Mmmmm. Processed food hell.

It's an orange ozone alert day!!!!!!!!

(What the hell does that mean? Should I be boiling water and washing strips of cloth for clean bandages? Hiding in the basement? Screeching uncontrollably?)

2005-07-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

And this is the Stone of Destiny, or "Stone of Scone," which (if it is actually the stone they claim it is) has sat under the arse of every Scottish royal during her or his coronation. It was returned from Westminster Abbey to Edinburgh Castle in 1996. About time.

2005-07-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

This is Holyrood House, the royal family's residence in Edinburgh. It's modest for a castle, and it has a nice tea shop =) It's where Mary, Queen of Scots' hubby was murdered.

2005-07-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

And here is some of that wedding china. A bit tacky, but so is a lot of the royal stuff. If I were a royal I think I would be sick to death of official royal china.

2005-07-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is the "close," we toured, a part of the old city that had a new street and several new buildings built on top of it. It was kind of creepy, as you can see. It smelled. Go to www.realmarykingsclose.com to learn more.

2005-07-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

This is a lovely picture of Edinburgh Castle taken by someone who was wise enough to take a picture of it. Unlike us. Thank you kind stranger.

2005-07-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

This is a view of Edinburgh from the castle, which sits high up on a rocky fortress.

2005-07-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Aren't you just BUSTING to know more?!

Anyway, so Edinburgh is awesome. It's exactly the right size (1 million people) so it has lots of good stuff, but it's so much less insane than London.

We saw

1.) a guy posing as Braveheart (or Mel Gibson as William Wallace, if you want to be picky) outside of Edinburgh Castle, which my dad thought was hilarious, and I thought was vaguely amusing but also lame. (Is it just our generation that refuses to enjoy stupid shit like a guy dressed up as Braveheart without rolling our eyes?) It was really funny when the Japanese tourists posed for a picture with him, though. Very odd.

2.) a dude in a kilt wailing on the old bagpipes with a guy playing an African-style drum.

3.) some very, VERY drunk Scottish bastards hanging out in a graveyard who told those of us on the ghost tour that we would be "haunting forever as ghosts" and "always be haunted ghosts." We nodded politely.

4.) many postcards of men with with their kilts blown up by the wind, revealing pale (and sometimes pretty good) pale Scottish arses.

5.) many Italians speaking English with bizzare Scottish-Italian accents and serving "jacket" potatoes with ingredients like mozzarella and roasted peppers instead of the typical (and hideous) Scottish and English fillings like baked beans or tuna and corn.

6.) a pub called Jenny Ha's.

7.) the new Scottish Parliament building, which is so bizzare looking, no one will ever, ever take the Scottish Parliament seriously. Oh wait......

8.) an underground room where animals were slaughtered during the sixteenth century. The ground is still red, and it smells like blood.

9.) a cemetary where a couple of "Burkers" (body snatchers) unearthed and removed the ring finger of a young woman who was still alive in her coffin. Apparently the cutting action woke her up, and she climbed out of her grave and went home.

10.) a set of collectable china celebrating the wedding of Prince Charles to Camilla Parker-Bowles

11.) the room where Mary, Queen of Scots' second husband was attacked and murdered.

Up next: The Isle of Arran.

2005-07-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

So. I went to Scotland and England. The whole thing started with a trip to a horrible place that I like to call Newark, New Jersey. Our flight was delayed by 5 hours from K.C. , so we missed our connecting flight to London from Newark. We got the honor of elbowing and clawing for a space on a shuttle to the Newark Hampton Inn. After many hours of heart attack level stress involving much cursing and rude gestures at evil airline employees (there's nothing like a sweet, soothing New Jersey accent to lighten a mood) we got on a flight to London, where we promptly missed our connecting flight to Edinburgh and had to spend the night in London.

When we finally arrived in Edinburgh, it was great. (Don't ask for pictures, though--we hardly took any pictures for the first few days because we apparently thought someone else was going to do it for us. )

We visited Edinburgh Castle, toured a "close" (a cramped area of the old city now underground), went on a ghost walk where we heard a true story of a mad aristocrat who killed a houseboy and roasted him on a spit (It's true, I swear!), and drank lots of really good Italian coffee. Thank God the Italians made it to Scotland (although an Italian-Scottish accent is insane.)

OK, more later. I have to get back to working on an engineering report.

2005-07-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

This is one of Megan's favorite signs from St. Andrews. It looks like it belongs in a Harry Potter movie. I wonder what they do to you if you walk on the grass.

2005-07-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

And here is my dad standing in front of the North Sea in St. Andrews. I don't know what it is, but he just looks crazy in this picture.

2005-07-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Here we are in front of our very nice B&B in Bath. (Notice how Megan is as pale as a native Scot.)

2005-07-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

Here is the obligatory London Eye & Big Ben picture from the top of a double decker tour bus.

2005-07-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

This is one of my personal favorites: it's the scaffold where Anne Boleyn, Katherine Howard, Lady Jane Grey, and a few other posh people got their heads removed from their pale English necks. The timbered building in the background was built by Henry VIII for Anne, but she never got to use it, as she was a headless (and still pale) corpse.

2005-07-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

This is the Isle of Arran. It's so beautiful.

2005-07-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

This is another picture of Bath. In case you are a Jane Austen fan (you should be, by the way) you should rent "Persuasion." (The one with Amanda Root in it.) It's got lots of great scenes with Bath in it.

2005-07-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

These are the Roman baths in the aptly named Bath. It's very touristy, but we liked it.

2005-07-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is Mr. Darcy's estate from the A&E "Pride and Prejudice" movie Bridget Jones was so in love with. We drove 2 hours in the rain just to see it.

2005-07-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

Here we are in front of a truly quaint, crap hotel (sorry--it's true) on the beautiful Isle of Arran off mainland Scotland.

2005-07-21T14:37:00.000-07:00